Nowadays he’d probably be diagnosed along with the majority of the other children as having an Attention Deficiency Disorder and subsequently prescribed unceremoniously with an amphetamine of one sort or another. Depending on how you look at it, however, it was either very unfortunate or simply Divine Providence that no such medication was known in Suso’s day.
When, as a youth, Suso couldn’t sit quietly in school, he was beaten mercilessly … as, of course, were all of the other pupils. However, for them, the beating would serve as an adequate remedy. For Suso, in contrast, the violent rush of punishment would simply cause him to become even more restless, eventually leading to his expulsion from school after school after school. Having subsequently tried every trade his small frame might allow for, Suso and his family soon began to despair that there was to be little future for him. Indeed, even when it came to girls, he would approach them so excitedly, so bluntly and irreverently that they would often run away screaming in fear.
It was not until the local preacher and ascetic, hearing of Suso’s difficulties, suggested that perhaps Suso might have a touch of the Devil in him and would probably benefit from wearing a hair shirt as a means of penance, that Suso showed any potential for self-control. The constant itching of the shirt seemed to do the trick. As a source of unrelenting irritation, Suso said that it enabled him to keep his thoughts focused on God. It was if God himself were forever tapping him on the shoulder to remind him to behave appropriately, and soon he was able to return to his studies.
The nights, however, remained a problem. It was as though the daily hours of self-disciple had simply stored up all of his irascibility, only to run free once the sun had fallen. Of course, Suso had never slept well. Even as an infant he had kept his parents and neighbours awake during the nights with uncanny shrieks as though he were possessed. But now, as an adolescent, Suso was again plagued by severe insomnia. He began wearing his shirt to bed, but as soon as he began to drift off to sleep, his self-restraint failed him and he would thrash about wildly, trying to scratch himself, and immediately bringing him back to full, restless consciousness. Finally, his mother and he determined to tie his arms and legs tightly to the frame of the bed so that he would be unable to toss and turn during the night.
For the first few nights nothing changed; Suso slept not a wink. He lay there from dusk ‘til dawn contemplating why God might be testing him in this way. What had he done to deserve this miserable existence? On the four or fifth night, however, something happened that would forever change Suso’s life and the life of religion itself.
Late in the night, Suso remained restless. His desire to scream was only outshone by the intense agony he felt all over. It was as if he were lying atop a giant ant-hill, with a galaxy of insects feeding on his body. Deciding that he would rather expire than continue in this fashion, he prayed yet again, asking that God would alleviate his suffering one way or another. Still nothing happened, and he finally gave in. ‘I know not what I have done to offend Thee,’ he prayed. ‘But if it be your wish that I should live like this, then so be it.’ At that very moment, the heavens opened before Suso and he was lifted, unrestrained out from his bed by an unseen hand. Obviously, he believed himself to be dreaming; that he had finally lost his mind from the torture he was suffering due to the Devil in him. But shaking his head from side to side in an attempt to wake himself, he found nothing changed. All his bindings were gone and a divine pleasure of comfort washed over his entire body in waves. He was in ecstasy. He could see in through the gates of Paradise. God was calling to him.
This heavenly blessing was bestowed upon Suso night after night, and before long he had found that he could freely navigate his way around the ethereal Paradise with ease. Each night he experienced a new and more marvellous pleasure, but nonetheless he awoke each morning feeling empty and exhausted. For all the favours the good Lord was offering him each night, the absence of His presence made Suso’s heart feel ever more pained with longing. But he knew what was to be done.
Waiting for just the right time, Suso skipped school and secretly visited the old saint in his cabin outside of town. There he told the preacher of his visions and his plan to win the greater favour of God. The old ascetic nodded knowingly and without much ado, retrieved from a cupboard the garment Suso had requested.
That night, before retiring, Suso donned the glass-shard embedded vest the saint had given him and covered it with the hair shirt everyone knew about. His mother tied him to the bed extra tightly upon Suso’s request and said goodnight. At first the sensation was almost unbearable and Suso almost conceded that he had made a terrible mistake and called out to his mother to untie him. He wept as quietly as he could; each sob cutting deeper and deeper into his already immolated skin. Aeons seemed to have passed before the now familiar sensation of rising out from the bed, the restraints and the garments came. This time, however, God was waiting for him beyond the gates.
Such is the story of the great mystic Suso. As the years rolled on, he invented more and more devout methods of Atonement. He eventually had his head fastened still, nails added to the glass vest, long pins strewn across his hard, wooden mattress, and leather gloves made with tacks to reopen the any wounds that might heal. For more than thirty years he lived like this, in severe poverty … For the Love of God.
